PRICE TWENTY-PIVE CENTS 




PLAYS FOR FEMALE CHARACTERS ONLY 

15 CENTS EACH 

CRANFORD DAMES. 2 Scenes; 1)^ hours 8 

GERTRUDE MASON, M.D. 1 Act; 30 minutes. 7 

CHEERFUL COMPANION. 1 Act; 25 minutes 2 

LESSON IN ELEGANCE. 1 Act; 30 minutes , 4 

MAIDENS ALL FORLORN. 3 Acts; 1^ hours 6 

MURDER WILL OUT. 1 Act; 30minutes 6 

ROMANCE OF PHYLLIS. SActs; 1^ hours 4 

SOCIAL ASPIRATIONS. 1 Act; 45 minutes 5 

OUTWITTED. 1 Act; 20minutes 8 

WHITE DOVE OF ONEIDA. 2 Acts; 45 minutes 4 

SWEET FAMILY. lAct;lhour 8 

BELLES OF BLACKVILLE. lAct;2hour8 80 

PRINCESS KIKU. (25 cents). 13 

RAINBOW KIMONA. (So cents.) 2 Acts; li^ hours 9 

MERRY OLD MAIDS. (Si cents.) Motion Song 11 

PLAYS FOR MALE CHARACTERS ONLY 

tS CENTS EACH 

X 

APRIL FOOLS. lAct; SOminutes... 8 

BYRD AND HURD. 1 Act; 40 minutes « 

DARKEY WOOD DEALER. 1 Act; SOminutes.., 8 

WANTED, A MAHATMA. 1 Act; 30 minutes 4 

HOLY TERROR. 1 Act; SOminutes 4 

MANAGER'S TRIALS. 1 Act; 1 hour 9 

MEDICA. lAct; 35 minutes 7 

NIGGER NIGHT SCHOOL. 1 Act; SOminutes 6 

SLIM JIM AND THE HOODOO. 1 Act; SOminutes.. 6 

WANTED. A CONFIDENTIAL CLERK. 1 Act; 30 minutes 6 

SNOBSON'S STAG PARTY. 1 Act; 1 hour 12 

PICKLES AND TICKLES. 1 Act; 20minutes 6 

HARVEST STORM. 1 Act; 40minutes 10 

CASE OF HERR BAR ROOMSKI. Mock Trial; 2 hours.... 28 

DARKEY BREACH OF PROMISE CASE. Mock Trial 22 

GREAT LIBEL CASE. Mock Trial; 1 Scene; 2 hours 21 

RIDING THE GOAT. Burlesque Initiation; 1 Scene; IJ^ hours 24 

FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORPN, 18 Vesey St., N. Y. 



FADS AND FANCIES 

A SKETCH FOR GIRLS 
By ELEANOE MAUD CRANE 

Author of ''Just for Fun" ''Men, Maids and Matchmakers/* 
"A Pair of Idiots/' "A Regular Flirt/* "When a Man's Sin- 
gle/' "Next Door/' "A Little Savage/' "Billy's Bunga- 
low/' "The Rainbow Kimona/' "Peggy's Predica- 
ment/' "In the Ferry House/' "Ye Village 
School of Long Ago/' "The Bachelor Maids' 
Reunion/' "Fun in a Farm House/' Etc, 



No tragedy, nor comedy, nor yet a farce is here- 
A bit of fluff, a scrap of lace, 
A passing whim, a maiden's grace, 
A mirror held before your face 
To catch a picture clear. 



Copyright, 191 7, by Eleanor Maud Crane 



^/ 



Fitzgerald Publishing Corporation 

successor to 

Dick & Fitzgerald 

18 Vesey Street New York City 



^: 






FADS AND FANCIES 



CHARACTERS 

In tJie order of their appearance, 

Genevive Presby Saleslady 

Margaret Fulton Saleslady 

Miss Christine Moore Customer 

Miss Thorn Designer of exclusive models 

Florella Cash girl 

Miss Mary Milton College graduate 

Lobelia Love Moving -picture star 

Dorothy Davis High-school girl 

Julia Horton .High-school girl 

Mrs. Rosamond Drew Bashing young widow 

Mrs. Middleton Young mother 

Doris Middleton Spoiled child 

Millicent Ray Bride-to-he 

Evelyn Richards Society girl 

Louisa Lawrence Artist 

Bridget 'Bryan Irish ivoman 

Vera Attractive Russian girl 

NOTE: This sketch is so arranged that the number 
of characters may he cut to accommodate a small 
cast, or increased to permit the introduction of 
specialties, local hits, or native talent. Parts may 
readily be doubled if desired. 
Time. — The present. Locality. — Fashionable 

millinery establishment. y^ ^i/S'^ 

Time of Playing. — One hour. ^^ ^ ^X^S/^ 

©a.D 48112 



to; 



• '• 



OCT ?2 1917 



Fads and Fancies 



COSTUMES 

Speaker of Prologue. Wears an old-fashioned cos- 
tume, preferably a loAv-neck, short-sleeve bodice with a 
fichu; full gathered skirt with panniers of flowered cre- 
tonne; large picture hat tied with black velvet ribbons. 
She should carry a band-box covered with flowered cre- 
tonne and tied with pink ribbons and artiflcial flowers. 

Genevive, ^'Jennie" ) Up-to-date costumes, with 

Margaret, * ^Maggie'' ) elaborately dressed hair. 

Miss Thorn should be a distinguished-looking girl 
in a very fashionable gown. 

Florella wears a black dress with white collar and 
cuffs. 

Miss Milton wears a severe tailor-made suit. 

Lobelia Love is decidedly sensational in style and 
dress. 

Julia. ) ^^^^^^ blouses and blue serge skirts. 

Louisa Lawrence, rather eccentric or startling in 
design. 

Bridget, preferably in a vivid green dress. 

Vera should wear a riding-habit and carry a crop. 

The other characters should wear costumes in the 
present prevailing style. 



Fads and Fancies 



PROPEETIES 

Order-blank, pencil, pair of nail scissors for Maggie. 
Vanity-bag with powder-puff and mirror for Jennie. 
Lorgnette and square of chiffon for Miss Thorn. Au- 
tograph book and fountain pen for Florella. Tele- 
phone book off stage for Florella. Hand glass, bag 
containing newspaper clipping for Miss Moore. Fancy- 
bag containing visiting-cards for Lobelia. Teddy-bear 
and small bonnet for Doris. Small box of candy in bag 
for Mrs. Middleton. Fancy bag, gloves for Millicent. 
Hatpin for Evelyn. Large pocket-book for Bridget. 
Eiding-crop, wrist- watch for Vera. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS 

As seen by a performer on the stage facing the audi- 
ence; R., means right-hand; l., left-hand; c, center of 
the stage; R.c, right of center; l.c, left of center; up, 
toward the rear of stage; down, toward the footlights. 



FADS AND FANCIES 



The Prologue is spoken by any one of the characters 
desired. 

PROLOGUE 

When the curtain is drawn, a hat-shop you 11 see — 

This is Vanity Fair, as gay as can be ; 

With its fancies, its follies, its fine furbelows, 

With its scandals, its gossip, its belles and its beaus, 

But the latter are all of ribbon and lace — 

They are airily shaped, and worn with much grace 

By my lady, who steps from her rich limosine, 

Of her rouge and her powder-puff undoubted queen — 

She's a rival, ah, yes, the little cash-maid. 

Who apes her apparel, and appears unafraid 

The next day in costume quite wondrous to view. 

It's so like my lady's from bonnet to shoe. 

There's the widow so gay, and the sweet bride-to-be, 

And the dear gushing school-girl you shortly will see, 

There's the soul of the artist, seeking ever its mate, 

There's the maid fresh from college, the fair graduate, 

There's the Pride of the ^^ Movies," and the Emerald 

Isle 
Has sent her fair daughter to capture your smile — 
So away with your worries, away with dull care — ■ 
Every heart must be light in our ''Vanity Fair." 



Fads and Fancies 

FADS AND FANCIES 



Scene. — Fashionable millinery esiahlishment. Time, 
afternoon. Liglits up. Entrance from street up r. 
Door or entrance up l. Jiung witli portiere. Small 
tables DOWN r. and down l. upon wJiicJi Tiave been 
placed a Jiat or two and a Jiand-glass. Chair back 
of each table. Long table up c. containing hat 
stands and an assortment of hats in the extreme of 
the present style. Several attractive hat-boxes un- 
der c. table. A couple of long mirrors hang upon 
walls R. and l. DISCOVEEED Genevive Presby 
DOWN L. placing hat carelessly on Miss Christine 
Moore's head and talking to Margaret Fulton, 
who is standing down r. 
Jennie {to Miss Moore). There, Madam, that model 
might have been made expressly for you. {To Mar- 
garet) Yes, Maggie, I went. I didn't expect to go. 
In fact I said positively I wouldn't. Wild horses 
couldn't drag me. 

Maggie {manicuring her nails carelessly) , I must say 
I never noticed any wild horses about when you stepped 
out of that trolley car. 

Miss Moore {seated at table down l., vainly trying 
to remove the hat vShich Jennie is balancing upon her 

head). Just a minute, if you please 

Jennie {to Maggie, not noticing Miss Moore). Frank 
and Jim insisted and {Shrugs her shoidders) well, my 
dear, you know Frank and Jim. 

Maggie {smiling to herself). Yes, I know Frank and 
Jim very well — too well. It's what I don't know about 
them that worries them. 

Miss Moore {takes up hand-glass from the table he- 
fore her and tries to get a side effect). This is not the 
hat I wanted to see. 



Fads and Fancies 7 

Jennie. They just wouldn't take no for an answer, 
so I simply had to give in and go. You understand. 

Maggie {ivitli sarcasm). Sure, I understand. You're 
a regular ^^Yampeer" when it comes to the men. 

Miss M. {putting down tlie Jiand-glass witli a sigh) . It 
was the hat in the window I wanted to try on. 

Jennie (fo Maggie). You flatter me. But, oh, I was 
so glad I went. I had the time of my life. 

Miss M. {impatiently). I beg your pardon. Miss, but 
will you take your hand av/ay? This is not the hat I 
asked you to show me. 

Jennie {removing Iter hand in surprise and looking 
at Miss Moore as if seeing Iter for the first time, then 
speaking decidedly) . What did you say, Madam? Why, 
this is the hat, I am sure of it. And believe me, it's 
the hat for you all right. {Raises her voice) Miss 
Thorn, Miss Thorn, will you step here a minute. Miss 
Thorn? (ENTER Miss Thorn, d.l., a hat in one hand, 
a hit of chiffon in the other. To Miss Thorn, pointing 
to Miss Moore) Miss Thorn, did you ever see any- 
thing more chick than that model on madam? 

Miss Thorne {looking at Miss Moore admiringly and 
shaking her head). Ceertainleee not. Eet ees ravish- 
ing. Vraiment. {Walks away backward, studying Miss 
Moore as she goes, her head first on one side and then 
the other) [EXIT d. l. 

Jennie {triumphantly). There, what did I tell you? 
Miss Thorn's our designer and she's the last word on 
hats, positively. Her mother's second husband is a 
Frenchman. That's where she gets her beautiful accent 
and her w^onderful taste. She's an artiste. A real 
artiste. She says so herself and she knows. Don't she, 
Maggie ? 

Maggie. Sure. Everything she designs is so — so — 
a la carte — so to speak. 

Miss M. {doubtfully) . But I'm afraid it's too youth- 
ful for me. 

Jennie {in surprise). Youthful? Too youthful? 
Impossible. Why, my dear madam, nothing is too youth- 
ful for nobody these days. I can assure you we sold 



8 Fads and Fancies 

the very duplicate of that hat to a woman at least 85 
years old, only yesterday. 

Miss M. {takes off Jiat quickly). I didn't know you 
sold duplicates here. 

Jennie ( takes up Jiat and places it upon Miss Moore 's 
head again at anotlier angle). Did I say duplicate? 
Really, Madam, you must have misunderstood me. 

Miss Moore. You said duplicate — as plain as the 
nose on my face. 

Jennie (impudently). As plain as that? Well, 
really, if I did, I didn't mean by duplicate the identical 
same thing. Did I, Miss Fulton? 

Maggie. Certainly not. You just meant along those 
lines so to speak. Words are so misleading. They al- 
ways give the wrong impression. 

Jennie. If that isn't the truth. You never can tell 
what a person means by what they say. Never. Why, 
my sister-in-law has the ugliest baby ever happened. 
Positively it's the limit. When our minister saw it he 
looked desperate, for everybody was hanging around 
waiting to hear what he'd say. And he just gasped 
out — ^'Well, that is a baby!" And would you believe 
it, they took it for a compliment? 

Miss M. (Jiesitatingly) . But I don't think I care for 
this shape. It's too high. 

Jennie. Everything's high this year, Madam, and 
still going up. That's the gospel truth. Hats, skirts, 
boots, higher, higher, higher. 

Miss M. But I don't think it's becoming 

Jennie (witJi an exasperated look at Maggie). People 
don't buy hats because they're becoming. Madam, but 
because they're smart. {Turns Tier back on Miss 
Moore) And speaking of smart, Maggie, you should 
have seen how I dolled up last night. I wore my rose- 
colored chiffon over orange satin with a purple pansy 
arrangement in a sort of porte-cochere effect here {Her 
hand at Tier shoulder) — you know what I mean. 

Maggie. Sure. Must have looked fine with your 
new bronze shoes. 

Jennie {in disgust). Them? I didn't wear those 



Fads and Fancies 9 

old things. Why, IVe had them four weeks. I got a 
brand new pair. Gold uppers over patent leather with 
silver heels. 

Maggie. Some class! 

Jennie {proudly). Twelve dollars and a half. But 
then, as Frank says, while you're about it you might 
as well get them right. 

Miss M. {afier several vain attempts to speak). What 
did you say was the price of this? 

Jennie. I don't believe in doing this sort of thing 
halfway. So I just pick out my favorite actress and 
copy her down to the ground. 

Miss M. (rising). Well, if you do not care to wait 
on me it is useless to waste any more time. {Places 
Jiat on table) 

Jennie {quickly turning). I beg your pardon, 
Madam, what can I do for you? 

Miss Moore. I have been trying for five minutes to 
find out the price of that hat. Perhaps this young 
person can tell me. {Turns to Maggie) 

Jennie {shrugging Tier slioulders and turning away 
ivitli a toss of Iter liead). Well, I never. She should 
do lier shopping at the ten cent store. 

Miss M. {holds out hat to Maggie). Can you tell me 
the price of this hat? 

Maggie {consults card). Seventy-five dollars. Madam. 

Miss M. What — ^what — what did you say? 

Maggie. Seventy-five dollars. 

Miss M. {dazed). Where? 

Maggie {points to hat). There in your hand. 

Miss Moore {drops hat and puts hands behind her). 
Good gracious! I thought it was marked seven-fifty. 

Maggie {scornfully). Seven-fifty? My dear Madam, 
we haven't a hat in the shop at such a price. 

Miss M. {taking paper clipping from hand-hag). But 
you advertised. It was in this morning's paper. I 
saw it. 

Maggie {smiling and shaking her head). Not here. 
Madam; perhaps you mean that place next door. I 
believe they do sell some of their stuff for seven-fifty. 



10 Fads and Fancies 

Miss M. {looks at clipping and gives it to Maggie). 
No, it was here. Camille^s. Isn't this Camille's? 

Maggie {takes clipping and looks at it, turns it over, 
examines it closely, then calls). Miss Thorn? Miss 
Thorn? Have we any hats for seven-fifty? 

ENTER Miss Thorn d. l. 

Miss T. {coming forward impatiently). What is it, 
Miss Pulton. You have just interrupted a most elusive 
symphony I was composing. 

Miss M. {clasping Tier Jiands) . Oh, are you a musician, 
too? I just adore music. 

Miss T. {scornfully). My compositions, Madam, are 
worked out entirely with chiffon. I take a handful of 
colored balls — so. {Takes up imaginary halls, pretend- 
ing to roll tJiem) I roll them — so. A color scheme 
strikes me. A revelation. I compose a masterpiece — so. 

Maggie. Excuse me, Miss Thorn, but we haven't any 
hats for seven-fifty, have we? This lady insists that we 
advertised. {Gives advertisement to Miss Thorn) 

Miss T. {looks carelessly at advertisement) . I believe 
there are some in the stockroom. Tell Florella to ask 
Miss Leach and don't call me again unless it is abso- 
lutely necessary. You have completely ruined a mar- 
velous piece de resistance. Bong jour. Madam. {Boivs 
to Miss Moore) [EXIT d. l. 

Maggie {calls as site studies hack of clipping). Flor- 
ella. Florella. Florella. Where is that girl ? Florella. 

ENTER Florella, a little casJi-girl, d. l, 

Florella. Did you call me. Miss Fulton? 

Maggie {witJi sarcasm). No, sweet child, I didn't 
call you. I simply whispered your name. {Clianging 
Iter tone) You go to the stockroom and ask Miss Leach 
if there are any of those seven-fifty hats left. 

Miss M. {as Florella exits d. l.). If it will take 
very long I'd rather not wait. I have an appointment 
this morning. 

Maggie. It won't take a minute. Then you don't 
care to consider this? {Extends hat) 



Fads and Fancies ii 

Miss M. Not at seventy-five dollars. If you have 
any like it reduced ? 

Maggie. From seventy-five to seven-fifty? "Well, 
hardly. "We might make you up one for fifty dollars 
by removing this and this and this. {Takes off trim- 
ming) 

Miss M. Thank you, but 111 look at your seven-fifty 
model first. 

Maggie. Very well. {To Jennie, as Miss Moore 
turns aivay) Did you hear that, Jennie? The idea of 
asking if we reduced from seventy-five to seven-fifty! 
Some women are the limit. Did you have it made 
decoUtee? 

Jennie {all entliusiasm) . Did I? You should have 
seen it. Not even shoulder straps. Just a marabout 
scarf. Very resumee and eclat. Oh, dear! {As Miss 
Mary Milton ENTERS d. r.) We are going to have 
a trying morning. You wait on her, dear, I'm all 
frazzled out. She doesn't look as if she expected to 
buy any way. Just some copy-cat. {Takes powder- 
puff and mirror from pocket and carefully powders Iter 
nose) 

Maggie {advancing to Mary). Did you wish to see 
some hats. Madam? 

Mary. Do you suppose I came in for a pair of rub- 
bers? 

Maggie, l beg your pardon, I didn't know. 

Mary. It's your place to know. Show me what you 
have and look sharp. I've no time to waste. 

Maggie {Iter Jiand on cTiair-back) , If Madam will 
sit here. 

Mary {interrupting). Miss, not Madam. Plain 
American is good enough for me. And I don't want 
to see any of those chitty things that make one look 
like a flibberty-gibbet school girl. No, you needn't show 
me any of those fire-extinguishers that put out both 
eyes. Are these all you have? 

Maggie. No, indeed. We have some very exclusive 
models in the next room. I '11 get them. 

Mary. You needn't. I'm not an artist! I'm not 
looking for a model. I want a hat. 



12 Fads and Fancies 

Maggie {indicating Jennie). Miss Presby, perhaps 
you can suggest something that will please this young 
lady. 

Mary. She can 't. If there is any suggesting to do 1 11 
do it myself. You don't have to wait on me. I'll look 
around and if I see anything I like, 111 let you know. 
That is, if your nails can spare you long enough to 
wait on a customer. 

Maggie (to Jennie as Mary walks away). Did you 
hear her hand me that? I wouldn't like to be the poor 
benighted husband of that pickle. 

Jennie. Don't you worry. She's the kind that falls 
so flat for a man that you have to pick her up with a 
shovel. I'll sell her a hat yet, see if I don't. 

Maggie (excitedly to Jennie as tJie latter picks up 
Jiat). Here comes Lobelia Love, Jennie. She's the star 
of the Flim-flam Film Company. Isn't she just grand? 

ENTER Lobelia hrigJitly, d. r. 

Lobelia. Hello, girlies! I'm looking for a hat. 
Something for a sensation. 

Jennie. Certainly, Miss Love. "We have just what 
you want. (Holds up a Jiat) How's that? 

Lobelia (looks at liat lield up hy Jennie and sliakes 
Tier Jiead), Too conservative, dear. I want something 
that will make Mary Pickford sit up and take notice. 

Maggie. Is it to go with anything special? 

Lobelia (laugliing). Sure. It's to go with me and 
I guess I'm something special. What's that Harlem 
Hash arrangement you have over there? No, no, that's 
not me. I have to feel my hat or I can't wear it. I'm 
very tempermental. Tell you what, you make me up 
something and I'll see that you get publicity. 

Jennie. An order, certainly. How do you want it? 

Lobelia. Well, straw, of course, with velvet. I could 
stand a touch of fur and just a suggestion of chiffon 
wired. You know what I mean. Kind of military and 
swagger and original. Above all, original, like Mar- 
garet Clark's last picture. 



Fads and Fancies 13 

ENTER Dorothy Davis and Julia Horton, d. r. 

Dorothy {to Maggie). Have yon any Panama shapes? 
(Catclies sigJit of Lobelia) Miss Love! How perfectly 
delicions. Jnlia, this is Miss Love. Don't you remem- 
ber we saw her in ^^Her Heart's Desire'' last week at 
the Stranded Theatre? Oh, Miss Love, tell me, isn't 
it just grand to have a man like Bobby Thornton at 
your feet every night ? 

Lobelia. Bobby Thornton's a miserable, conceited 
ape. He just spoils my best scenes. As for his wife — 
she's a jealous little cat. As if I cared a rap for her 
little idiot of a husband. Let her keep him at home, 
tied to her apron strings if she's so afraid of losing him. 
Do you know what she said last night? Well, I'm a 
lady so I can't repeat her language, but the next time 
she comes my way I shall poke my umbrella straight 
into her eye, and then I shall say, ^^Oh, I beg your 
pardon, dearie, did I hurt you?" Just as if it was 
an accident. 

Julia. Does he really kiss you before you take that 
fatal leap ? 

Lobelia. Yes, and if he doesn 't stop eating onions 
I shall strike for a new leading man. It's a shame 
what we have to put up with. 

Dorothy. Weren't you terribly afraid when they 
rescued you from that burning building ? Suppose those 
firemen hadn't come in time? 

Lobelia. Then the smoke would have all died down 
again. We were nearly choked as it was and we had 
to rehearse that scene six times. But, {Turns to Mag- 
gie) oh, my dear, did you see the diving scene in the 
last episode? It's great. That's where I got even with 
Bobby Thornton. I ducked him and held him down 
until he nearly drowned. And he couldn't say a word, 
for it made a ripping film. Everybody's crazy about 
it. {To Jennie) Did you say you would make me up 
a hat? 

Jennie. We'll have to ask Miss Thorn. Will you 
tell her Miss Love is here, Maggie? 



14 Fads and Fancies 

Maggie. Do you think I want to be scalped? Break 
the news to her yourself, cutie. 

Jennie {calling off l.). Florella, Florella! Where 
is Florella? I believe she takes a nap every time she 
is sent on an errand. Florella! 

ENTEE Florella, slowly, d. l. 

Florella. Yes, Miss Presby, I'm coming. Miss 
Leach says we had some hats for seven-fifty, but she 
thinks they are all sold. Anyway, she just can't lay 
her hands on them. 

Jennie. Never mind that now. You tell Miss Thorn 
that a customer wants to see her. 

Lobelia. And hurry, will you, dear? IVe an ap- 
pointment at three and it's half past now. 

Florella {clasping Tier liands). Oh, Miss Love! I 
didn't know it was you. Will you write in my auto- 
graph book? I've carried it in my pocket for a month 
hoping you would come in. Listen, Miss Love, do you 
think I could get into the ^^ Movies"? I got lots of 
ver-ver-versatility and I can make awful funny faces. 
I practice every night before the glass. Like this, and 
this, and this. And I just love doing dangerous things 
like jumping from runaway engines and leaping from 
off roofs, and I wouldn 't care if I did break a few bones 
if only they'd take me. Won't you ask them, Miss 
Love, please, please. I'd work for almost nothing and 
I can dance and recite, too. I know most of the ' ' Vam- 
pire." Do you want to hear me say it? '^A fool there 
was and she dyed her hair, even as you and I." 

Lobelia. My dear child, that's not the way it goes. 

Florella. Doesn't it? That's the way I learned it 
from the funny page. Oh, Miss Love, I don't want to 
be a cash girl all my life or even a stuck-up saleslady. 
I want to be something exciting like the *^ Female De- 
tective" or the ^^ Golden Crook" or — or a villainess. 
I know I 'm young, but lots of girls are in the ' ' Movies ' ' 
littler than me. And they do real well, too. Won't 
you give me a try? That's all I ask. Just a try? 



Fads and Fancies 15 

Lobelia. You poor kiddie, you certainly have got it 
bad. 

Florella. You ivill help me! Oh, Miss Love, I's 
so happy, I — I could hug you. May I? Miss Jennie, 
Jennie, what do you think, I'm going to be a moving 
picture star. 

Jennie. No picture you were in would ever move. 
It would be still life. 

Lobelia. No, no, child. I can't do that. I haven't 
any pull. You'd have to see managers and wait in line 
until your hair turns gray. It's fiendish up-hill work. 
Give it up, child, take my advice and let it alone. 

Florella. Oh, I can't, I can't! I just got to try! 
Won't you help me try? 

Lobelia. You can take my card to the manager if 
you want to, but it won't help. Like as not he won't 
see you, but that 's up to him. If you feel the way you 
do, you won't be happy till you learn your lesson. 
{Gives card to Florella) 

Florella. Oh, thank you, thank you a thousand 
times. If I could only do something to show you how 
grateful I am. 

Maggie. You go tell Miss Thorn, Miss Love wants 
to see her, if you're so crazy to do something exciting. 

Florella. I'll go for Miss Love, but not for you, 
smarty. [EXIT d. l. 

Jennie {arranging Tier liair and trying to speak in- 
differently). Oh, Miss Love, by the way, if you happen 
to have another card about you 

Lobelia. Sure. Here's one. {To Maggie) You 
want one, too? 

Maggie. If you don't mind. [EXIT Jennie d. l. 

ENTEE Miss Thorn d. l. 

Miss T. Why did you send for me, Miss Presby? 

Lobelia. Oh, Miss Thorn, I want a hat. Something 
retrousee. You know, lalapalusa. 

Miss T. Miss Love, you leave it to me. I have an 
idea. A breath, a butterfly, the sea-foam. Light — so. 



1 6 Fads and Fancies 

Lobelia. That's the idea. A sea-foam butterfly. 
You can do it. 

Miss T. Ah, eet ees a delight to create for a soul 
so — so— — 

Lobelia. I know what you mean. I feel that way 
myself when I jump -over a precipice and the crowd 
sits breathless. It's art. That's what it is, art. And 
we've both got it. In a different way, of course. 

Miss T. Oh, we, my art ees of the soul. Yours ees 
of the — the — personality. It ees wonderful! Wonder- 
ful! 

Lobelia. Isn't it? What do you do to keep yours 
dov^n ? 

Miss T. (puzzled). What do you mean? Keep what 
down? 

Lobelia. The em-bong-pong. You know what I 
mean. Fat! It's fatal. Fatal. 

Miss T. Yes, what do you do? Tell me, please. 
I'm on a diet. I don't eat potatoes, or soup, or candy, 
or desserts, or sugar, and last week I gained two pounds. 
It's outrageous. 

Dorothy. I roll and exercise. But the minute I 
stop, up go the scales. 

Julia. I use lemons — a dozen a day. They're ter- 
rible, but they do keep you down. What do you do. 
Miss Love? Do you mind telling us? 

Lobelia. Not a bit of it. We girls must help each 
other out. I eat raisins. That 's all, nothing but raisins. 
Very simple and very tiresome, but one has to be a 
martyr. (Looks at watch) Oh, my dear, I'm forget- 
ting all about my appointment. You will fix me up a 
hat, won't you. Miss Thorn? 

Miss T. Yes, indeed. Avec playzeer. It will be 
ready, shall we say at five? Will you run in and 
see it? 

Lobelia. No, I shan't have time. My grandson has 
just cut a tooth and I've promised to run in and see 
the little rascal. 

All (starting). Your grandson! 



Fads and Fancies 17 

Dorothy (surprised). Why, Miss Love, I didn't even 
know you were married ! 

Julia. The papers say you are only nineteen. 

Lobelia. So I am, dear, in the papers and on the 
screen. Really, I didn't mean to let that slip. I prom- 
ised the manager I wouldn't. But you won't give me 
away, will you, dear? Promise me you won't breathe 
it to a soul. 

All, We promise. 

Lobelia. By, bye, if I can cut the rehearsal, I'll try 
to get in at five. Oh, reveer, Au reveer. [EXIT d. r. 

Dorothy. Did you ever ! A grandmother ! Fan me, 
somebody, quick! 

Miss M. A grandmother ! And as thin as that ! I 
don't believe that raisin story. 

Maggie (to Jennie, wlio lias just RE-ENTERED). 
Jennie, w^hat do you think. Miss Love's married and 
she has a grandson. 

Jennie. Aren't you skipping a generation? 

Maggie. And I thought she was a daybutante. 

ENTER Rosamond Drew, d. r. 

Rosamond {to Maggie). Have you any mourning 
bonnets? I don't mean deep mourning. He was only 
my second husband, you know, and he has been dead 
four months, so I must begin to brighten up a bit for 
the sake of my friends. {To Miss Moore) Oh, Miss 
Moore, I'm so glad to see you'A^e left off mourning. 
{Shakes Jiands ivitJi Miss Moore) 

Miss M. No, Mrs. Drew, not at all. I've only 
left off black. 

Rosamond. I see, but well, I suppose you are right, 
but I promised poor dear Fred that I'd mourn for him 
one year, no matter what happened, and I'm doing it. 
I shall do it if I have to wear black when next I am 
led a blushing bride to the altar. 

Miss M. Then you do expect to marry again? 

Rosamond. Oh, Miss Moore, how can you suggest 
such a thing and poor dear Fred only dead four months 
and it seems an eternity to me. {Wipes her eyes) 



1 8 Fads and Fancies 

Miss Moore {putting an arm around Rosamond). 
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be heartless. The days 
must seem long to you now. 

Rosamond. Oh, they do, they do. There are so few 
things one can do, without people talking. Not that 
I care what they say. One should be above such petty 
gossip. Oh, you should have seen me at the funeral. 
I had hysterics. It took four men to hold me. Such 
handsome men they were, too. Doctor Reid said he 
never saw such hysterics in all his life. (Sits) 

Florella. What's hysterics? 

Rosamond. I don't know, child. Nobody knows ex- 
actly, but I had them all right. And I cried quarts. I 
ruined all the front of my new black voile. Oh, it was 
a wonderful funeral. Sixteen carriages and two autos 
full of flowers. Just think, he had four pillows of 
white roses with ^^Rest in Peace" in violets. Two of 
the wreaths had ^^Rest" on them, but I liked the ''Rest 
in Peaces" better. {Takes up Jiat) Oh, my dear, what 
an adorable model. Do you suppose I could wear it? 
{Tries on Tiat) 

Maggie. Certainly, Madam. It's — it's not exactly 
mourning, but still 

Rosamond {Jiolding Jiat at arm^s lengfh to admire it). 
They v/ere Fred's favorite flowers. That could be my 
excuse. {To Maggie) Fred is my husband. Was, I 
should say. Harry likes them too. Harry is my doctor. 
He's wonderful. Doctor Reid. Heart specialist. Ever 
hear of him? 

Maggie. No, Madam, I think not. 

Rosamond. He 's wonderful. Simply wonderful. He 
holds your pulse differently from most doctors. They 
are always in such a hurry. He's so sympathetic, too. 
I just cry quarts when he comes. It's so lovely to have 
him cheer me up. He says I need diversion and he 
thinks of the loveliest things to distract my mind from 
my grief. Sometimes it's the theatre, sometimes the 
opera, sometimes it's a wonderful little supper. Last 
night he took me way out into the country in his car 
where we could enjoy the beauties of nature. I just 



Fads and Fancies 19 

adore nature. It's so — so natural. Of course we couldn't 
see much of it. It was too dark, but we knew it was 
there. And he talked to me so beautifully about the 
hereafter and the wisdom of Providence. It does seem 
wise of Providence to have taken Fred just when it did, 
now that Harry's come into his fortune. No one ever 
dreamed of his uncle 's dying this year. He was ninety- 
seven and we thought he was going to live forever, like 
that Wandering Jew it tells about in the Bible. 

Maggie {sigliing and extending hat). Do you wish 
to try this hat on, Madam? 

EosAMOND. No, it's too settled. I like buds best. 
You should have seen the flowers Harry sent me last 
night. All buds. He has such wonderful taste. Such 
candy, my dear. You wouldn't believe me if I told 
you how many boxes he's sent this week. Really, it's 
simply wicked to spend so much on the perishable 
things of this life when the poor are complaining about 
the high cost of living. {As Maggie picks up liat) No, 
I don't like crepe unless it's white. I'm so glad white's 
mourning as well as black. I'm going to wear nothing 
but white in the future. {Looks off) Oh, excuse me, 
there's Harry's car now. I must find out what he's 
doing in this neighborhood. Just put a pin in w^hat I 
was saying. I'll be back in a minute. [EXIT d. r. 

Maggie. Whew! They don't need a talking machine 
in her house. 

ENTER Mrs. Middleton xvitli Doris d. r. 

Mrs. Middleton {to Jennie). Have you a children's 
department ? 

Jennie. Yes, Madam, on the second floor. The ele- 
vator's at your right. 

Doris {carrying a large Teddy-hear). I want a bon- 
net for my Teddy-bear. 

Mrs. M. Doris, how many times do I have to tell 
you that I can't get you a bonnet for Teddy today? 
{To Jennie) You haven't anything that would do for 
a Teddy-bear, have you? 

Jennie. No, Madam, we don't carry toys. 



20 Fads and Fancies 

Doris. I want a bonnet for my Teddy-bear. 

Mrs. M. Not today^ Doris. Mother will buy you 
one to-morrow. 

Doris. I want a bonnet for my Teddy-bear. 

Mrs. M. Ill make you one when we get home. 

Doris. I want one now. 

Mrs. M. {to Jennie). Do you suppose you have any- 
thing that would do? She has set her heart on this 
and she's just like her father. Once her mind's made 
up you can't budge her. 

Jennie. I'm sorry, Madam, but we have nothing in 
that line at all. {To Doris) Listen, dear, we have 
some beautiful hats for little girls upstairs, with the 
sweetest little rosebuds. Just wait till you see them. 

Doris. I want a bonnet for my Teddy-bear. 

Mrs. M. What am I going to do with her? 

Jennie. I know what I'd do if she were mine. 

Doris. I want a bonnet for my Teddy-bear. 

Mrs. M. Doris, if you say that again I'll whip you. 

Doris. I want a bonnet for my Teddy-bear. 

Mrs. M. {to Jennie). I should think in an establish- 
ment like this you'd have some bits of silk and straw 
that could be made into a little bonnet. Sales girls 
are so disobliging nowadays. 

Doris. I want a bonnet for my Teddy-bear. 

Mrs. M. {taking a hox from lier hag). Look, Doris, 
a box of candy. Chocolates. Now be a good girl and 
mother will give you a great big piece. {Gives candy 
to Doris) That's right. {To Jennie as Doris eats 
candy) You have no idea how smart she is. She can 
sing and dance and recite — that is, w^hen she wants to. 
"Will you speak a piece for the lady, darling? (Doris 
sJiakes Tier liead, Iter mouth full of candy tliat site lias 
been steadily eating from tJie hox Iter motlier Jiolds) 
No? Oh, Doris. {To Jennie) I'll coax her. Just 
pretend you're not paying any attention and she'll do 
it. She's a little shy. {To Doris) Now, dear, say that 
pretty piece the teacher taught you. 

Doris {after swallowing Jiard a few times), I want 
a bonnet for my Teddy-bear. 



Fads and Fancies 21 

Mrs. M. All right, sweetheart. Yon say the piece 
and the lady will find you a bonnet for Teddy. {To 
Jennie) Won't yon? {To Doris) She says yes. 

Jennie. Bnt, Madam, we carry nothing in that line. 

Mrs. M. {aside to Jennie). Shnsh! Never mind. 
Jnst say yes nntil she speaks the piece and then I'll 
explain to her afterwards. Now, darling, the lady says 
yon shall have a hat for Teddy jnst as soon as yon say 
the little verse. 

Doris. I want the hat first. 

Mrs. M. No, dear, afterwards. Noav begin — ^^ There 
were two little kittens " 

Doris. I want a bonnet for my Teddy-bear. 

Mrs. M. Mother 's waiting, dear. Yon w^onldn 't keep 
mother waiting, wonld yon? 

Doris. I want a bonnet for my Teddy-bear. 

Mrs. M. Yon 're a nanghty, bad girl and I'm going 
to give yon to the first policeman we meet. {Catches 
Doris's Jiand and EXITS with her d. r.) 

Doris {off stage, heard all the ivay saying), I want 
a bonnet for my Teddy. I want a bonnet for my 
Teddy. I want a bonnet for my Teddy. 

Jennie. Isn't that the limit? I don't know which 
deserves the spanking most, the mother or the child. 

Maggie. The mother. Bnt she won't get it and the 
child will, perhaps. 

ENTER Millicent Ray and Evelyn Richards, d. r. 

Evelyn. Oh, Milly, do look. Won't that make an 
adorable going-away bonnet? Jnst what yon've been 
looking for. {Tries on hat) 

Millicent {putting down h.and-hag, gloves, hat, etc, 
and trying on hat). It is pretty. Oh, Evelyn, do yon 
snppose I shall be happy? Sometimes when I stop to 
think I get frightened. Yon know I have always wanted 
my own way. Peter says I can still want it after we're 
married. Don't yon think Peter a beantifnl name? I 
do. It's so self-reliant and manly. That's Peter. His 
mother says he has brains enongh for two. 



22 Fads and Fancies 

Evelyn. How fortunate. Hell need them after he's 
married, dear. Have you set the day yet? 

MiLLY. No, it all depends upon when Peter can be 
spared from the office. He says they ought to let him 
choose his own time. He has never asked for a vacation 
before and he's been there six weeks. It isn't as if he 
were asking for time just for pleasure or to enjoy him- 
self. Tell me frankly, does this hat really suit my style ? 

Evelyn (sits). I think so. But is it the style of 
your suit ? 

MiLLY. Just about. You see, it's a crossbar pattern. 

Evelyn. That should please Peter. He always said 
^^ Crossing the Bar" w^as his favorite poem. 

MiLLY. Tell me, dear, weren't you engaged to him 
once? Edith said you told her he was the light of 
your life. 

Evelyn. Yes, but that light went out too often. 
Besides, he had too many mothers for me. 

MiLLY. Why, Evelyn, he has only one. 

Evelyn. Yes, I know, but she was one too many 
for me. 

MiLLY. Are we never to have anyone wait on us? 
We've been here at least half an hour. I never saw 
anything like the salesgirls nowadays. They do nothing 
but prink and gossip. {To Mary) I'll take this hat. 

Mary. Then you'll be arrested. 

MiLLY. I mean I 'd like to have it. 

Mary. I suppose a good many other girls would too. 

MiLLY. I mean I want to buy it. 

Mary. Then why don't you? 

MiLLY. Are you going to wait on me or aren't you? 

Mary. I certainly am not. 

MiLLY. May I ask why not? 

Mary. You may. 

MiLLY. I never heard of such impertinence. I shall 
report her at once. She should be discharged. 

Evelyn. Wait a minute, Milly. (To Mary) Would 
you mind telling me why you refuse to wait on my 
friend? 



Fads and Fancies 23 

Mary {taking up Iter own liat). Because I happen 
to be a customer — not a saleslady. 

Evelyn (to Milly). How terrible! How did you 
come to make such a mistake ? 

Milly. How was I to know? She had taken off her 
hat and walked about as if she owned the shop. 

ENTER Miss Louisa Lawrence, d. r. 

Louisa (to Jennie, ivlio comes forward). Is this 
Camille's? 

Jennie. Yes, Madam, this is Camille's. What can 
I do for you? 

Louisa. Nothing. I wish to see Miss Camille her- 
self. 

Jennie. But there is no one by that name here, 
Madam. 

Louisa. Do you mean to say you call this shop 
'^ Camille 's ' ' and there is no such person? 

Jennie. When Madam goes to the ^^ Waldorf she 
surely doesn't expect Mr. Waldorf to v/ait upon her. 

Louisa. Who is the head of this establishment? 

Jennie. Miss Thorn, Madam. 

Louisa {seating herself). Then 111 see Miss Thorn. 

Jennie. Miss Thorn is very busy, Madam. Isn't 
there anything I can do for you? 

Louisa. I shall see Miss Thorn and no one else. 

Maggie. Do you wish to buy a hat. Madam? Per- 
haps you will let me wait on you. 

Louisa. I wish to leave an order, a very important 
order and I wish to place it in competent hands. 

Jennie. I usually take the orders. Madam. I am 
sure I can satisfy you. Miss Thorn is our designer. 

Louisa. Then she is just the person I wish to see. 
Will you tell her I am waiting? 

Jennie {reluctantly) , Very well. Ill carry the mes- 
sage myself. [EXIT d. l. 

Louisa {to Maggie). That's better. I am not used 
to discussing serious affairs with any one but the pro- 
prietor. 

Milly {to Evelyn). Do you know, I think orange 



24 Fads and Fancies 

blossoms are terribly old-fashioned and hackneyed. I 
believe 111 wear forget-me-nots in my wreath. 

Evelyn. But, Milly, I don't believe it would be 
legal without orange blossoms. Everybody always 
wears them. 

Milly. That's just why I don't want to. I hate 
doing what everybody else does. What flowers would 
you wear if you were I? 

Evelyn. Daffydills. 

ENTEE Miss Thorn and Jennie, d. l. 

Miss T. Did someone wish to see me? 

Maggie. Yes, Miss Thorn, this lady would let no 
one else wait upon her. 

Louisa. I'm ever so sorry to disturb you, but I had 
no alternative. It isn't for myself, you see, and she is 
so fussy. She positively refuses to wear anything that 
isn't made especially for her so as to carry out her 
color scheme. 

Miss T. And what, may I ask, is her color scheme? 

Louisa. You shall see, but will you promise me not 
to keep her long? She is very nervous and easily up- 
set. I'll bring her in. 

Miss T. Is that necessary? Can't you tell me what 
you want? I can have several models tried on for you 
if you wish. 

Louisa. Oh, no. I never buy anything for her with- 
out consulting her first. She is very, very sensitive. 
She probably won't eat a mouthful of lunch now be- 
cause I have kept her waiting so long, poor baby. 

Miss T. Baby! Surely, Madam, you have not sent 
for me to order a baby's bonnet? 

Louisa. No, indeed. My maid buys all my baby 's 
clothes. I want you to make an automobile hood for 
my darling Pifi. 

Maggie. Fifi. Her dog? My stars! 

Louisa. "Will you kindly refrain from speaking of 
her as a dog in my presence ? I have always taken par- 
ticular pains never to use that word before her. She 



Fads and Fancies 25 

is not aware that she is a dog and I wish to keep her 
ignorant of the fact. 

Maggie. And what does she think she is, please? 

Louisa. My pet. My treasure. Would you mind 
coming out to the car to see her? I never take her in 
a shop if I can help it. I am so afraid of germs. That 
young woman looks as if she had a cold now and I 
wouldn't have Fifi near her for the world. 

Maggie. You needn't worry, Madam. I wouldn't 
touch your Fifi with a pair of tongs. 

Miss T. I'm sorry, Madam, but I do not design hats 
for dogs. Good afternoon. [EXIT d. l. 

ENTER Florella excitedly, d. r. 

Florella (^0 Louisa). I say. Madam, did you leave 
a little dog in an electric bus outside? Because, if you 
did, he's gone tearing up the street lickety-split after 
a cat. Gee, but he's some dog! 

Louisa (liorrified). A cat! Oh, oh, my angel, my 
darling, you '11 be killed ! "Wait, wait for mother ! I 'm 
coming! I'm coming! [EXIT liastily, d. r. 

Florella {looking after Louisa). You couldn't 
guess VN^hat that little cur had hanging about his neck. 
A vanity-case, if you please, with a little mirror and 
a powder puff. A povfder puff for a dog. What do 
you know about that? 

Maggie. Why on earth do you suppose a woman 
wants to make such a fool of herself? Do you believe 
she does it on purpose or is it that she can't help it? 

ENTER Bridget 'Bryan, d. r. 

Bridget {to Mary). Plaze, mum, will you tell me 
how Oi kin foind veilin'? 

Mary. By looking for it, I presume. 

MiLLY {as Bridget picks up tlie liat Milly lias taken 
off), 1 beg your pardon, but that's my hat. 

Bridget {clutcliing liat), Ixcuse m^e, but I seen it 
first. 

Milly. I don't care where you saw it, it's mine. 

Bridget (Tier arms akimbo, still Iwlding liat). Ye 



26 Fads and Fancies 

don't shay so. Will, Oill have ye know me noime's 
Bridget 'Bryan an' me husband's the biggest police- 
man on the foorce an' when Oi say a thing he manes it. 
An' whin Oi wants a thing he gits it or he knows why. 
Jist now Oi wants this hat. Oi got it, an' take it from 
me, Oi'm goin' ter kape it. 

MiLLY. But you can't keep it. It's mine. It's 
mine and I want it. 

Bridget. Thot's all roight. Kape right on wantin' 
it. Nobody's stoppin' yer. 

MiLLY. But it's mine, I tell you. It's mine. 

Bridget (examining Jiat witJi interest), Indade, Oi 
can't say Oi'm after a-seein' your name ornamintin' the 
insoide. 

Evelyn. This is perfectly outrageous. ( To Bridget) . 
Madam, if you do not return that hat immediately to 
my friend, I'll have you arrested. 

Bridget (looking Evelyn over from feet to Jiead). 
Yer will, will yer? You'll have me — me arrested. Well, 
you jist hold yer horses a minute and listen to me. If 
you an' yer frind here think because yer droive up Fit 
Avenoo in yer painted slimozeens that ye kin skid over 
me you jist try it. Thot's all. Jist try it. I like this 
hat an' Oi'm goin' to buy it if it costs all of $2.98. 

MiLLY. Just wait till Peter hears of this. Will you 
call me a taxi, Evelyn? 

Bridget. I'll call you something worse than that. 
I'll call you a Ford. 

MiLLY. I have never been talked to so in my life. 
Let me out of this. 

Maggie (coming forward). What is it. Madam? 
What is the trouble ? Can I be of any service ? 

Bridget. No, yer can't. This ain't none of your 
funeral, so you kape out of it. 

Maggie. I'll speak to Miss Thorn. [EXIT d. l. 

MiLLY. Come, Evelyn. (Stops) But how can I go 
without my hat? 

Bridget. Go the same way yer came, an' the quicker 
the bitter, Oi'm after a-thinkin'. 



Fads and Fancies 27 

ENTER Miss Thorn, followed by Maggie, d. l. Tliey 
go riglit to Milly. 

Miss T. Oh, Madam, I am so sorry. I apologize. I 
apologize most profusely. If you will tell me what has 
happened to annoy you 111 do anything in my power 
to set it right. 

Milly {io Miss Thorn, pointing to Bridget). That 
woman has taken my hat 

Bridget {interrupting Milly). Ill have you know 
I 'm no woman. I 'm a lady and I am as good as she is, 
and what's more IVe got jist as much roight ter buy a 
hat as she has. I seen it furst an' it's mine. 

Miss T. {readies out lier licnid for tlie licit). Madam, 
if you will permit me 

Bridget {putting tlie Jiat heliind lier). No, sir. I 
give no permits. It's kape off the grass. Oi may bay 
Oirish, but Oi ain't green. 

Miss T. Madam, did you buy that hat? 

Milly. She couldn't. It's mine. 

Miss T. {to Milly). Just a minute, if you please. 
{To Bridget) Did you buy that hat? 

Bridget {stubbornly). Yis. Oi did. 

Milly. She didn't. She couldn't. How could she? 

Miss T. {to Bridget). Who sold it to you? 

Bridget. Nobody. I ain't paid for it yit, but 
{Takes out her purse) Oi'm goin' to if it takes me last 
nickel. {To Florella, liolding out liat) Here, girl, 
you have that put into a box for me, an' if you're out 
of boxes Oi'U take a bag, and if yer ain't got no bags 
Oi'U wear it home. {To Maggie) How much did yer 
say it wuz? 

Miss T. {taking Tiat from Florella). Madam, this 
hat is not for sale. 

Bridget. Oh, indeed? An' you think you kin git 
round it that w^ay, do yer? Well, jist wait till you 
want ter cross Fit Avenoo. I'll put Pat w^i^'e an' you'll 
foind yersilf tied up in a tangle thot will make Prisidint 
Wilson's job look like a cinch. 

Miss T. {returning Tiat to Milly), Is this yours, 
Madam? 



28 Fads and Fancies 

MiLLY. It is. It is. I took it off to try on that one 
and she pounced upon it and wouldn't give it back. 

Bridget {agJiast, sinking into a cliair). The saints 
presarve us, do you mane it's yours? Begoorah, why 
didn't yer say so before? Oi thought yer wanted ter 
buy it the same as me. Sure, it's a daisy, an' it's you 
that's in luck to own sich ^ beautiful lid. {To Miss 
Thorn) Can you bay after a-makin' me one jist loike 
it? 

Miss T. No, Madam, we never duplicate. All our 
work is original. 

Bridget. Well, thin, make me an original one jist 
loike that. 

Miss T. I think if you will let this young lady wait 
upon you she will find something that will suit your 
physiognomy even better than this. 

Bridget. My who? 

Miss T. Your physiognomy. 

Bridget. He's my husband, Pat is, an' the best wan 
that iver walked on two legs, an' Oi'U thank yer to call 
him no names. 

Miss T. {Jiolding up hat). Now I think this would 
please him tremendously. Ah, I see you are skeptical. 

Bridget. Oi am not, Oi'm a Catholic. Oi ain't got 
no use for thim new-f angle religions. [EXIT d. r. 

ENTER Vera in riding-Jiabit, Tiatless and breathless, d. r. 

Vera (rushing up to Miss Thorn). Oh, Madam, you 
must find me a hat. Mine I haf lost. The elastic he 

broke. Zee wind he blew heem so Wheew ! Eight 

into a wagon, a taxi-wagon, and before I could to turn, 
eet was out of sight. Zee chauffeur he no see, an my 
hat he gone. Will you find me one. Madam? I am to 
meet my fiance in five minutes. He, he likes not to 
wait. He will make very angry with Vera. See, I may 
have thees — or better thees ? Yes? So. You are verry 
kind. My Nicholas will to be very glad. Merci, bowcoo. 

Miss T. Merci, Madam, cet ees an hornoor. 

Vera. Ah, you parlay Francsay. Beean. Oh, 



Fads and Fancies 29 

Madam, \nilay-vn mer donenay un verre dough? J'ai 
soif, a 

Miss T. {flustered). Pardon, Madam. I — I have 
what you call eet. A — A cold in ze head. {Sneezes) 
Achoo! You see eet ees bad, very bad. Eet makes me 
deaf. I do not hear what you would say. Will you 
speak to my assistant. Miss Fulton? [EXIT d. l. 

Vera {to Maggie). Vraymon. Mademoiselle, J'ai 
soif, voulay-vu 

Maggie. English, please. My French hasn't a cold. 
It's just plain dead. So if we are to understand each 
other it will have to be in little old United States. 

Vera. A glass of water. I am choked. Zee dust. 
Zee wind. Zee race after mon chapeau. 

Maggie {turning away and calling). Florella, Flor- 
ella! {Goes to d. f.) A glass of water, Florella, and 
hurry up. {^Y'llile Maggie's hack is turned Vera man- 
ages to appropriate a pair of gloves, a Tiand-hag and a 
fancy pin from the table near lier. As Maggie returns, 
Vera catches up hand-glass and looks at hat) 

IVIaggie. It is very smart on madam. You will take 
it? 

Vera. Yes, I like eet. Alexis will like eet. I shall 
wear eet so. 

Maggie {taking pad from pocket). But first I shall 
make out a check. Twenty dollars. Madam. 

Vera. So scheep? You are wonderful, you Ameri- 
cans. 

Maggie. Yes, we are. Twenty dollars, please. 

Vera. My purse [ Ah! I forget. I was to ride. 
Marie, my maid, I tell her always to put zee purse in 
zee blouse. But Marie, she ees so stupid, I don't can 
make her to learn. You have zee telephone? Yes? 

Maggie. Yes, we have a telephone. Just outside 
that door. {Pointing d. l.) You wish to use it? 

Vera. Yes. I will to call Marie. 

Maggie. Very well, I will take charge of the hat 
for you and see that no one else buys it while you are 
gone. 

Vera {surprised, then putting her hand to her head). 



30 Fads and Fancies 

Zee hat ? Ah, yes, I have to forget that I had eet on. 
Eet ees one joke? Yes? [EXIT d. l. 

Maggie. Yes, eet ees one big joke, biit I have to 
remember you have it on. Yes. 

Jennie. Maggie, I never heard you talk so to a 
customer before. Whatever 's got into you ? 

Maggie. You just watch little Maggie and shell 
show you a thing or two. 

Jennie. Isn't she a strange customer? I like to 
wait on foreigners. They're so interesting. 

Maggie. Well, you hang around a few minutes and 
111 show you some funny business. 

Florella. What is it? What is it? Tell me. Is 
she a female detective? How lovely! How exciting 1 
I just knew something exciting was going to happen 
today. I felt it in my bones. 

Maggie. Well, you keep your bones quiet and donl 
let on that there's anything up. Only when I cough 
three times this way — (CoiigJis) you slip into the tele- 
phone booth and call up Sector 5458. Tell them to 
send some one up here E.S.V.P.D.Q. 

Florella. Oh, goody, goody, goody! It is a de- 
tective story and I'm in it. 

Jennie. Why do you suspect her, Maggie? Have 
you ever seen her before? 

Maggie. Once. She came into Altman's while I was 
working there and when she left, well a few things left 
with her. Believe me, she's some dame. Hush! here 
she comes. (ENTEE Vera, d. l.) Did you get your 
maid? 

Vera. Yes, she will be right over wiz ze money. 
{Looks at wrist-watch) What will Michael think? I 
must make ze haste. {Gatliers up possessions) 

Maggie. You wish to v/ear the hat so? 

Vera. Eef you please. I must, you see. Zee wind 
took mine. Whew ! Like that. 

Maggie. And your maid? She has not come yet. 

Vera. Ah, but she will. She eez very — what you 
say — all right. 

Maggie. Is the hotel very far from here ? 



Fads and Fancies 31 

Vera. Oh, no, not at all. Just one leetle step. 

Maggie. Good. I will send Florella over with the 
hat or the bill, as you wish, and she will be back while 
you are getting on your things. You see, of course we 
know it is all right — very all right — but v/ell, I hardly 
know how to say it, but you are not a regular customer 
of ours. 

Vera. Certainlee. Zat ees true. You send zee bill 
to my hotel. The clerk will to settle eef Marie should 
not be there. 

Maggie {making out bill; aside), I thought you just 
phoned to her. (Aloud) Yes, I see, but I hardly 
think Florella will pass her. Florella may not be as 
quick as your Marie, but she is rather an observing 
young person and not much escapes her. What did you 
say was the name of your hotel? 

Vera. Zee — zee Petrograd. 

Maggie (writing). That's a new one on me. What 
street? 

Vera. Zee street? You ask me zee street? Eet ees 
difficult to remember your streets. Zay are very — very 
confusing. All numbers. 

Maggie. We find them wonderfully simple. Flor- 
ella, look up Hotel Petrograd and find out the number. 
(Gives tJiree little cougJis) 

Florella. Sure. Shall I call them up? 

Maggie. I think so. (Florella EXITS d. l. To 
Vera, slowly) Of course. Madam, you understand we 
know you are perfectly all right. This is only a matter 
of form. 

Vera. Certainlee. But really I don^t think zis hat 
becomes me. And I don't can wait. My Alexis will 
be most — most troubled. 

Maggie (sharpening pencil). It is too bad, too bad 
to w^orry him needlessly. But I thought you said his 
name was Nicholas. 

Vera. Nicholas Michael Alexis Ivanovitch. We 
Russians have many, many names. Eeet ees our custom. 

Maggie. What a convenient custom. 



32 Fads and Fancies 

ENTEE Florella, d. l., with telephone hook. 

Florella. I cannot find Hotel Petrograd. 

Maggie {taking hook from Florella). That's all 
right. You run along. Ill look up the hotel. 

Florella. There's Hotel Princeton and Preston and 
Pontiac, but I don't see no Petrograd. [EXIT D. l. 

Maggie {running her finger down the page). There 
doesn't seem to be any Petrograd in this book, Madam. 

Vera {laughing lightly). How perfectly ridiculous. 
I have give you my Eussian hotel. How very, very 
stupid of me! 

Maggie. I see. Your hotel has several names also. 

Vera. Vraiment. But your American names are 
so — so — what you call heem — so elusive. 

Maggie. Do you think so? Why, I never found 
anything elusive about the place where I live. It's 
right there when I come home, every time, sitting up 
waiting for me. 

MiLLY. "Why, how strange! I put my bag here on 
this table just a few minutes ago and — and — it's gone. 
{Looks ahout desperately) 

Evelyn. It must have slipped under the table. No, 
it's not there. Look under your coat. {Both search 
wildly) 

MiLLY. I did. I took off my gloves so — and — why, 
they're gone, too. Eeally, this is too much. 

Evelyn. And my hatpin is gone. It was the only 
real gold one I possess. 

Vera {sweetly to girls). Did you to lose something? 
Let me help you look. I zink I see zee pin on zee table 
when I come in. ^ 

Maggie. I zink you did. And no one has come in 
since. Not even Marie. {To Milly) Had you much 
in your bag, Madam ? 

Milly {ivailing). Yes. My watch and my pearl 
ring. I slipped that off, for my glove rubbed against it. 

Jennie. Any money? 

Milly. Only five dollars in change, but I had an 
endorsed check for fifty dollars. What will Peter say? 
Oh, what will Peter say? 



Fads and Fancies 33 

Jennie. Take my advice and don't tell him. What 
he don't know can't worry him. 

Maggie {off l.). Florella, tell Miss Thorn I wish to 
see her. 

Vera {to Milly). I am very, very sorry you have 
meet wiz such a loss. Are you quite, quite sure you 
have ze bag when you came in? Sometimes one makes 
a meestake. I haf myself very, very often, ees it not? 
{Willie all are busy searching for bag. Vera cleverly 
places it under a Jiat) 

Maggie. It certainly is, but she had her bag this 
time, for I saw it on her arm when she came in. Beaded, 
wasn't it? 

Milly {wiping Iter eyes tvitli Tier JiandkercJiief) . 
Yes. Peter's mother made it for me. What shall I 
tell her? What shall I tell her? 

Jennie. Tell her nothing. My stars, do you have 
to tell everybody everything every time? 

Vera. I have changed my mind about ze hat, I will 
to fly. Bon jour, thank you for your courtesy. When 
my Marie comes tell her she ees so slow I could not to 
wait. 

Maggie. Just a minute. {To Milly) Don't you 
think it would be well to call up your bank and stop 
payment on that check? 

Milly. Oh, yes, yes. I 'm so glad you thought of it. 
Quick, Evelyn, come with me. I'm so nervous you will 
have to help me. [EXEUNT Milly and Evelyn, d. l. 

Maggie {to Vera). Don't you think you had better 
hand over those things before they come back? 

Vera {drawing herself up proudly), I do not know 
what you mean. 

Maggie. I think you do. 

Vera. Will you stand out of ze way and let me 
pass? I have no more zee time to waste here. 

Maggie. Then why waste it? Jennie, will you close 
that door? 

Vera. What do you mean, Madam? You would 
keep me — me here a prisoner? Do you know who I 
am? 



34 Fads and Fancies 

Maggie. No, that's the trouble. 

ENTER Florella, d. l. 

Vera. I am Vera Feodora Christiania Sophia Alex- 
anderina. 

Florella. Ain't that just grand? Oh, won't you 
please write it all in my autograph book? 

Vera. I am a princess. A royal princess travelling 
incognito. 

Florella. Oh, goody! Will you put that down, 
too? I've always wanted to see a princess, a real live 
one. Gee, but things are coming my way. 

Vera. I refuse to be detained in zis vulgare fashion. 
I shall see my ambassador and he will demand an 
apology. 

Maggie. That's all right. I'll apologize to your 
ambassador when I see him. In the meantime I should 
suggest your replacing that bag before the ladies return. 
This is merely a suggestion, if you prefer to hand it 
over to a policeman, it's all the same to me. 

Vera. You — you dare to insinuate zat I have taken 
zat woman's bag? 

Maggie. I insinuate nothing. I simply make a cold 
statement of plain facts. Replace that bag and you 
may go, refuse and — how long did they say it would 
be, Florella, before that detective would be here? 

Florella. I think he's here now, just outside the 
door. 

ENTER Bridget, d. r. 

Bridget. Pat says I must have a new picture hat. 
{Tries on Jiats) 

ENTER MiLLY, Evelyn, Miss Thorn, d. l. 

Miss Thorn. Miss Presby, there's a woman here, a 
Miss Keen, from the detective agency. She says there 
was a call sent from here. Do you know anything 
about it? 

Bridget {pouncing upon a hag that Vera Tiad slipped 



Fads and Fancies 35 

under a liat). Whose is this? Somebody has left their 
bag. 

MiLLY {seizmg hag). It's mine. It's mine. Oh, 
where did you find it? 

Bridget. Under this hat. Did you lose it? 

MiLLY. And I thought I looked everywhere. 

Evelyn. Did you happen to see a hatpin, too? A 
gold one set with a topaz. 

Florella {picking up pin from under table), I have 
it. I have it. Is this the one? 

Evelyn. Yes. And I looked under there a dozen 
times. 

MiLLY. My gloves, Evelyn, are in my bag. 

Miss T. You haven't answered my question. Miss 
Presby. Did any one from here call up the police 
department? 

Jennie. Did they. Miss Fulton ? 

Maggie {looking at Vera). I think there was a mis- 
take made in the number, Miss Thorn. I'm sorry. It 
shan't occur again, I hope. 

Miss Thorn. I hope not. You girls must be more 
careful. This might have proved very embarrassing. 

Maggie. Yes, it might have, I'm very glad it didn't. 

ENTER EosAMOND, d. r. 

MiLLY. I'll take that hat. Will you send it? 

Rosamond. I'm going out to lunch with Harry, so 
I'll leave off mourning just for to-day and wear this. 
{Takes Jiat) 

Miss Moore. This hat is marked seven-fifty. I'll 
take it. 

Mary. I see nothing here that pleases me. I'll try 
next door. I may be able to get some attention there. 

ENTER Lobelia, d. r. 

Lobelia. I did manage to get back. Is it ready? 
He's just the darlingest boy. Two teeth and almost 
talks. I can understand every word he doesn 't say. 

Bridget. Pat says he don 't care what color you make 
it so long as it's green. 



36 Fads and Fancies 

ENTER Mrs. Middleton and Doris, d. r. Doris carries 
a small bonnet, 

Doris. I got a bonnet for my Teddy-bear. 

Vera (to Maggie). Are yon satisfied, Madam? 

Dorothy. Will yon tell me the name of this shop? 
I want mother to see this hat. 

Jennie. This is Camille's. Camille's. {To Mag- 
gie) No, Maggie, I won't go nnless yon do, bnt if 
yon 11 come too, I'll get Frank and Jim and well have 
a swell time. Ill wear my rose-colored chiffon over 
orange and yon doll np in yonr bine and silver and 
well be a pair of lookers. Will yon? 

Maggie. I won't promise, nnless the boys hire a 
taxi. 

Jennie. If they won't we'll order one onrselves. I 
believe in doing things right every time. Even in 
trifles, snch as fixing yonr hair and manicuring your 
nails. Do yon know how I manage? I just pick out 
my favorite actress and copy her down to the ground. 
(All characters form a group up stage as the girl 
who spoke the Prologue steps forward and recites the 
Epilogue) 



EPILOGUE 

You see I was right, this is Vanity Fair — 

You will find the same scenes acted here, acted there, 

For my lady must dress in the fad of the day 

Though foolish the fashion, that reigns in full sway. 

The matron, the widow, the '^Movies' '^ fair queen. 

The bride and the school-girl, youVe one and all seen. 

The curtain must fall, but you lift it at will. 

In each shop that you pass it's enacted there still. 

The Fads and the Fancies, the Follies are there, 

So smile and be kind to our Vanity Fair. 

CURTAIN 



MILITARY PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

M. 

BY THE ENEMY'S HAND. 4 Acts; 2 hours 10 

EDWARDS, THE SPY. 5 Acts; 2i^ hours 10 

PRISONER OF ANDERSON VILLE. 4 Acts; 234 hours.. 10 

CAPTAIN DICK. 3 Acts; 1)^ hours 

ISABEL, THE PEARL OF CUBA. 4 Acts; 2 hours... 

LITTLE SAVAGE . 3 Acts ; 2 hours ; 1 Stage Setting 4 

BY FORCE OF IMPULSE. (15 cents.) 5 Acts; 2)4 hours 
BETWEEN TWO FIRES. O'^ cents.) 3 Acts; 2 hours 



RURAL PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

MAN FROM MAINE. 5 Acts; 2^ hours 

AMONG THE BERKSHIRES. 3 Acts; 234 hours 

OAK FARM. 3 Acts; 2^ hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 

GREAT AYINTERSON MINE. 3 Acts; 2 hours G 

SQUIRE THOMPKINS' DAUGHTER. 5 Acts; 2)4 hours 5 

^VHEN A MAN'S SINGLE. 3 Acts; 2 hours 4 

FROM PUNKIN RIDGE. (15 cents.) 1 Act; Ihour... 6 

LETTER FROM HOME. (15 cents.) 1 Act; 25 mmutes 1 



ENTERTAINMENTS 

25 CENTS EACH 

AUNT DINAH'S QUILTING PARTY. 1 Scene 5 

BACHELOR MAIDS' REUNION. 1 Scene, 2 

IN THE FERRY HOUSE. 1 Scene; li^ hours 19 

JAPANESE WEDDING. 1 Scene; 1 hour 3 

MATRIMONIAL EXCHANGE. 2 Acts; 2 hours 6 

OLD PLANTATION NIGHT. 1 Scene; 1^ hours 4 

YE VILLAGE SKE^VL OF LONG AGO. 1 Scene. 13 

FAMILIAR FACES OF A FUNNY FAMILY 

JOLLY BACHELORS. Motion Song or Recitation 11 

CHRISTMAS MEDLEY. 30 minutes 15 

EASTER TIDINGS. 20 minutes 

BUNCH OF ROSES. (15 cents.) 1 Act; li^ hours 1 

OVER THE GARDEN WALL. (15 cents) 11 




LIBRARY OF CONC3Kbbb 



COMEDIES AND 

25 CENTS EAc._ 




017 400 951 A 



BREAKING HIS BONDS. 4 Acts; ghours 6 

BUTTERNUT'S BRIDE. 3 Acts; 2i^ hours 11 

COLLEGE CHUMS. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 9 

COUNT OF NO ACCOUNT. 3 Acts ; 2i^ hours 9 

DEACON. 5 Acts; 21^ hours.. 8 

DELEGATES EROM DENVER. 2 Acts; 45 minutes 3 

DOCTOR BY COURTESY. 3 Acts; 2 hours , 6 

E ASTSIDERS, The. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 8 

ESCAPED FROM THE LAW. 5 Acts; 2 hours 7 

GIRL FROM PORTO RICO. 8 Acts; 2]^ hours 5 

GYPSY QUEEN. 4 Acts; 2^^ hours 5 

IN THE ABSENCE OF SUSAN. 8 Acts; li^ hours 4 

JAIL BIRD. 5 Acts; 2;^ hours 6 

JOSIAH'S COURTSHIP. 4 Acts; 2 hours 7 

MY LADY DARRELL. 4 Acts; 2i^ hours 9 

MY UNCLE FROM INDIA. 4 Acts; 214 hours 13 

NEXT DOOR. 3Acts;2hourB 6 

PHYLLIS'S INHERITANCE. 8 Acts; 2 hours 6 

REGULAR FLIRT. 3Acts;2hours 4 

ROGUE'S LUCK. 3 Acts; 2 hours 5 

SQUIRE'S STRATAGEM. 6 Acts; 21^ hours 6 

STEEL KING. 4 Acts; 25^ hours 6 

WHAT'S NEXT? 8 Acts; 2^ hours 7 

WHITE LIE. 4Act8; 2Vl^hour8 4 



p. 
3 



10 
5 
4 
4 
3 
3 
6 
3 
4 
6 
4 
4 
9 
4 
3 
4 



WESTERN PLAY5 

25 CENTS EACH 

ROCKY FORD. 4 Acts; 2 hours 8 3 

GOLDEN GULCH. 3 Acts; 214 hours 11 3 

RED ROSETTE. 3Acts;2hours 6 3 

MISS MOSHER OF COLORADO. 4 Acts; 2;^ hours.... 5 8 

STUBBORN MOTOR CAR. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 4 

CRAWFORD'S CLAIM. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 2^ hours. 9 3 



FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORP'N, 18 Vesey St., N. Y. 



